You Should See Me in a Crown

“But that’s just it, I’ve never tried to hide it. Not exactly. I just…never made it a thing. Being into girls has never been a huge point of contention for me or my friends. Hell, when I came out to my grandparents, the only thing Grandad asked me was, ‘So are we giving up them waffle fries at Chick-fil-A now? Because, I’ll tell you what, them things are the closest I’ve ever felt to Heaven’” 

Johnson makes a deliberate choice to have Liz’s friends and family accept her sexuality without question. In doing so, Johnson crafts a distinctly modern narrative, wherein a character’s family and friends love them for who they are, no matter what their sexuality may be. Liz is also allowed to experience growth and challenges separate from a traditional coming out narrative, in which self-acceptance of one’s sexuality is the primary conflict. In the book, Johnson is more focused on external sources of pressure that result in feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. Liz’s family has never pressured her to keep her sexuality secret; it is the school and the conservative administration and their power to disqualify Liz from the competition that keeps her quiet.

“Jordan did what he thought he had to do to survive high school freshman year, and I did the same. It sucks not to get the apology I’ve wanted so badly for the past few years, not to ask how he could give our friendship up so easily, but I’ve missed him. I’ve missed us, and it seems like he has too. And that’s enough for now.” 

This passage marks the beginning of Liz and Jordan’s rekindled friendship. It is later revealed that Jordan did write an apology letter to Liz, and that Gabi is responsible for hiding it from her. Liz’s friendship with Jordan has always been a key part of her life; their relationship only improves throughout the course of the novel. As two of the only Black students in the school, both Jordan and Liz find community in one another.

“And I know people say stuff like this all the time—that the world stops spinning or their whole life flashes before their eyes or whatever, but I feel all of that and more. The way she’s looking at me—smiling like she’s not sure if I’m going to say yes, green eyes searching mine—makes me forget for a moment that I don’t date. That I’m not exactly “out.” That I have to stay focused to win this race and get the scholarship. I forget it all.” 

When Liz meets Amanda, she seems to become a normal teenage girl. She forgets all of her worries and fears about Robbie, Pennington, Jordan, and prom. This draw that Liz feels towards Amanda only strengthens as they get to know one another. Just as music grounds Liz and allows her to stay fixed in the present, Amanda’s presence seems to provide a similar solace for her. 

“I’m actually going to let her see my house. I don’t want to hide things from her—part of me, a big, scary part of me, wants to tell her everything.” 

This quote is a testament to how comfortable Liz has begun to feel around Amanda. Liz does not let anyone see her house, including her close friends, Britt and Stone. Despite this, within weeks of meeting Amanda, Liz not only feels comfortable sharing this part of her life with her, but actively wants to do so. 

“I get it. I totally get it. This isn’t the most tolerant place on Earth, for sure. And I bet it’s even harder for you because you’re not only queer but you’re also black, and I’ve been reading a lot of Kimberlé Crenshaw, so, like, intersectionality and all that definitely makes it harder. I mean, it’s not ideal, of course, but your safety—.”

Amanda’s dedication to speaking up when she sees something wrong happening is echoed in her personal relationships as well. By having her read Crenshaw, Johnson crafts Amanda as character who is interested in learning how to combat systems of oppression. Not only does Amanda theoretically support Liz, but she also does so in practice. Despite wanting their relationship to be public, Amanda wants to do anything she can to keep Liz safe.

“I don’t even think about it, I just reach over and put my hand on hers where it rests on the gear shift. She thinks I’m worried about my safety, but that’s not entirely the truth. I don’t think I’m at risk of any hate crimes in Campbell or anything, but it would ruin my campaign, just like—judging by her current ranking of nineteenth—it’s currently ruining Mack’s. It would ruin my chance at Pennington and at saving my grandparents’ house, and that is unacceptable. So instead of the truth, I keep asking questions.” 

This moment reflects Liz’s own moment of selfishness. Instead of telling Amanda the truth about needing to win prom queen for the scholarship, Liz lies and lets her believe that coming out would be unsafe for her. This decision will temporarily break up their relationship.

“‘I liked it when you called me Amanda earlier,’ she says quietly. ‘I don’t use it at school, because a nickname gives me some distance from everything, you know?’ She smiles at me softly. ‘But with you, it feels like it’s supposed to feel. Right.’ And okay, wow, my stomach won’t stop flipping. Amanda. My Amanda. There’s something I like about being the only person who calls her that.”

Despite Liz’s uncertainty about wanting to keep their relationship secret, Liz has no doubts about her feelings for Amanda. Johnson writes the relationship as one where they both find peace in one another. Though they are both still young, Liz is undoubtedly in love with Amanda, just as Robbie later points out. 

“I don’t even answer her. I can’t. My lips find hers before I can even get the words out. It’s hurried and excited and a little messy, but just like a great arrangement of the right song, the beauty is in the imperfections.” 

Amanda and Liz share their first kiss. It is only fitting that Johnson draws a directly parallel between music and Amanda; they both make her feel safe and grounded. Liz, who has been wrought with anxiety over her future, is able to accept the imperfections and even find the beauty in them. This is something that Amanda’s easy-going influence has instilled in her.

“Amanda and I could just be friends, friendly competitors, gently bumping into each other’s shoulders as we walk down the hallway and toward the parking lot. If anyone saw us, this wouldn’t be Campbell Confidential worthy—it wouldn’t even be conversation worthy. So I try not to think about the way her knuckles are brushing mine and the way my entire body feels a little electric at the fact that my girlfriend—my girlfriend—is right here. That she’s real. That, even if this is not the way I want this to be, it is happening.” 

Liz is the primary reason why they have decided to keep their relationship secret, but the weight of it still weighs heavily on her. Liz is unable to believe that she has a girlfriend, that she has found a person like Amanda in Campbell. This paragraph also allows the reader a glimpse into the lives of students who are unable to come out. Johnson showcases the pain that occurs even in the joy of finding a partner, of having to hide such a large part of themselves from everyone. 

“This whole race is set up to mimic some twisted fairy tale. The queen is supposed to be the best among us: the smartest, the most beautiful, the worthiest. But the people who win are rarely the people who deserve it. Like with any monarchy, they’re just the closest to the top. You don’t earn queen; you inherit it.”

This quote is one of the key moments in the text that catalyzes Liz’s future character growth. Using Campbell high school and its prom as an allegory for the world at large, Johnson is able to dissect the institutions of power and privilege that exist in real life. By discussing privilege as an inheritance that leaves those who may deserve it bereft, Johnson makes a large and often complex topic more understandable. 

“‘Elizabeth Audre Lighty, are you drunk?’ She steps closer to me and lowers her voice. ‘What was your plan, huh? You just thought you were going to get all cozy with the new girl and no one was going to notice? It’s not rocket science, Liz. It’s only a matter of time before people figure it out.’” 

Gabi’s harsh words against Liz creates the first rift in their friendship. Though Gabi is trying to help Liz win the prom, her words only exemplify her own belief that Liz’s sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Worse still, Gabi turns the situation onto Liz, making it seem like she is the one who is acting out of turn for pursuing a relationship with Amanda. 

“‘It doesn’t have to go back to that. I told you that freshman year! I’m still sorry about being an asshole that day in the hallway. You don’t even know— I never stopped being sorry for that day.’ He shakes his head. ‘I shouldn’t have stood by while those idiots said that stuff. I don’t even have a good excuse. But I wanted to talk afterward, and you never responded to my letter, so I figured that meant you—.’” 

After Liz expresses her sadness that Jordan won’t hang out with her after prom season ends, he finally gives her the apology that she has been waiting for. This reveal is a crucial part of the plot. It quickens the recovery of Jordan and Liz’s friendship, while it also hastens the breakdown of Liz and Gabi’s relationship. 

“Jordan Jennings comes along in middle school, and all of a sudden, it’s like you didn’t even care anymore. My family isn’t great like yours, Liz. You were my family. And I thought I had lost you!” 

Gabi finally comes clean to Liz about hiding the letter from her for all those years. Though she initially tries to frame her decision to hide the letter as an attempt to protect Liz, Gabi’s own selfishness and jealousy soon comes to the surface. Gabi is insecure in her friendship with Liz and ironically, in trying to keep Liz close, she temporarily loses her.

“But I’m not listening anymore. I can’t hear anything else she’s saying. Not after that. My best friend sold me out, kept me from being able to repair one of my most important relationships, and lied to me about it for four entire years. Four years of fear of ever being humiliated like that again, of forcing myself to the fringes, hiding in the tiny protective bubble of my friends and band and my family. Four years of tanked self-esteem, when I was afraid to wear my hair a certain way for fear of standing out and making myself too visible. Four years of second-guessing myself every time I answered a question in class, because I didn’t want to seem too smart or too bold or too much of anything. Four years of shrinking away and thinking that I wasn’t good enough, thinking that Jordan ran away because he wanted to be in the realm of people who are everything that I’m not” 

Liz’s tumultuous relationship with her self-worth has been gradually improving throughout the course of the novel. In this quote, Liz puts into words the exact ways that she has been suppressing her full self, and how scared she has been to embrace who she is. Instead of reluctantly forgiving Gabi the way she does earlier in the novel, Liz is open with her anger and feelings of hurt and betrayal. 

“I finally pull open the door and step through it. I’ve learned all the ways to keep my head down, to hide, to make myself scarce. But I never really learned how to say when enough is enough. Until now” 

Liz’s ability to walk away from Gabi marks a significant change in her character. Before, Liz may have believed that she does not deserve better treatment from her best friend. In standing up to Gabi and standing up for herself, Liz contends with her anxiety and insecurities head on.

“I hate that it took me so long to realize it, that I’ve let all the garbage like popularity and Campbell’s antiquated ideals keep me from understanding the truth. I never needed this race or a hashtag or the king to be a queen. I was born royalty. All I had to do was pick up my crown” 

In this moment, Liz is able to see that she is not less than the other candidates for not fitting into Campbell’s image of a prom queen. Despite Campbell County’s attempt to keep people like Liz who do not conform silent, Liz now finds strength rather than shame in her identity.

“I swallow. I did know that. Of course I know that. But I don’t like it being held against me. I don’t like the implication in her tone. You could make history if you just follow our rules. You could be a real credit to your people if you just straighten up and fly right. You could actually be worth something if you would shut up and take what we give you. And I know then what I’ve always known: Campbell is never going to make a space for me to fit. I’m going to have to demand it” 

Johnson allows the reader a peek into Liz’s psyche after Madame Simoné’s comment. The teacher’s comment is a microaggression, one that insinuates that as a Black student, Liz should fall into line and simply accept what she is allowed to have. The condescending nature of this comment only serves as further fuel for Liz to take what she knows she deserves.

“The meaning of this, Mr. Wilson, is that since you called these two in here thirty minutes ago, the #JusticeForMighty”—to Amanda and me—“that’s your ’ship name, by the way. I didn’t come up with it, but I sort of think it works”—and back to Mr. Wilson—“that hashtag has gained almost a thousand posts on Campbell Confidential, and the numbers are still climbing. All your students are talking about the obstruction of justice, the blatant homophobia, that is occurring at your institution. This could turn into a case for the American Civil Liberties Union faster than you can blink.”

Despite Gabi and Liz’s fraught friendship, she still comes to Liz’s aid after Mr. Wilson calls her to the principal’s office. Instead of trying to convince Mr. Wilson that letting Liz go would be the right thing to do, she uses the threat of media exposure and a lawsuit to scare him. Gabi’s interruption ends up saving the day and compelling Madame Simoné to speak up in defense of Liz. 

“I look to my left, and even Jordan has one on. More than half the gym is wearing the design that has become synonymous with me, Campbell’s infamous, subversive, dangerous, queer-as-hell prom queen wannabe. People are on their feet, and finally the room erupts in applause. But there’s no mistaking it this time. This isn’t because of our performance. This is all for me.” 

Liz is feeling unsure after Rachel’s homophobic stunt and Mr. Wilson’s cruel treatment. The school’s students, however, turn out in support of Liz. This show of encouragement means all the more to Liz because it is also the acceptance of every part of Liz’s identity, race, sexuality, and all.

“‘But nothing.’ She places her hand on mine and pats twice. ‘Your job is to be his sister, not his doctor or his caretaker. You let me do that.’” 

Liz has had to juggle countless responsibilities since the beginning of the novel. It is clear that after their mother’s death, Liz has felt incredibly responsible for Robbie’s health. Dr. Frederickson, Robbie’s hematologist, is quick to correct Liz. In this moment, Johnson reminds the reader how young Liz is to have had the world resting on her shoulders for so long.

“Granny pulls me to her again and speaks impossibly gently into my hair. ‘I just want you to know that you can rest, Lizzie, baby.’ She kisses the top of my head softly. “I got you when you’re ready to rest.’” 

The above quote is yet another example of Johnson reminding the reader of Liz’s youth. Liz has consistently refused help throughout the novel, and to now have Granny openly promise to have her back, and allow Liz a place to rest, showcases the amount of support that Liz has and will always have moving forward. Johnson also underscores the Lightys' tight family unit and how fiercely they love each other.

“‘She would have found a way to be in the back of the room tonight when you got up on that stage, I know that much,’ Granny says, turning back to the dress and speaking again through a pin between her teeth. ‘So let’s give ’em a show, huh? For your mama.’” 

Liz’s family become more involved in the final section of the novel as she gets ready for prom. Granny alters Liz’s mother’s old dress to fit her, and they reminisce about Liz’s mother together. One of the reasons that Liz wants to go to Pennington is because her mother went there. When she discovers that her mother also wanted to run for prom queen but decided against it at the last moment, Liz feels closer to her mother than ever.

“I sent your newest arrangement to my old advisor at Pennington! He loved it, and they agreed to give you another audition in a few weeks, if you want to give them another chance.”

In an echo of Granny and Dr. Fredrickson’s promises of support, Mr. K likewise steps in to pool his resources in order to help Liz. Though her success is not guaranteed, Mr. K is able to secure another chance for Liz to chase her dream.