Holding Up The Universe

“What will my story be?” 

Libby asks herself this question on the first day of school as she contemplates how she stands out among the sea of students at Martin Van Buren High. The question is one that is probably on the minds of many of Holding Up the Universe’s adolescent readers as it is a question of who they will ultimately become. As she approaches the first day with a “clean slate,” Libby sends the message that her story is in her control—she is the “author” and determiner of her own identity.

“I’m safe.” 

Jack repeats this to himself as he holds Caroline’s hand through the halls; the line illustrates the central tension in his character between the identity he projects and who he is inside. He knows Caroline is bad for him, but he feels that he needs her, not just to serve as his literal guide through the school but also to preserve his reputation as the popular, outgoing Jack Masselin—and to hide his prosopagnosia.

“You know how far I’ve come and I know how far I’ve come, but everyone else just sees me for how large I am or where I was years ago, not who I am now.”

Libby says this to her counselor, Rachel, after telling her about the Fat Girl Rodeo. The quotation speaks to the novel’s theme of seeing as Libby expresses frustration that her peers can only seem to see her on the surface and focus on her external features—namely, her weight. She is also frustrated that her peers focus on her past self rather than her present identity—she would like for them to see her as she sees herself now, not as the person she used to be.

“I’d rather not lose me.”

Jack includes this on his list of “What I Stand to Lose if I Tell My Friends to Fuck Off.” The quotation reveals that Jack clings to his friends as part of his identity; his two best friends, Kam and Seth, are quite literally a part of who Jack is. He finds himself torn between standing up to them, which would mean compromising his identity, and staying quiet, which would preserve the “carefully constructed world” (112) he has built for himself.

“A normal life is what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.”

Libby thinks this to herself as she contemplates filling out the Damsels application form. The quotation resonates with an issue likely on the minds of many of Niven’s readers: the issue of “fitting in” and being considered “normal” by their peers. This is another big tension of adolescence. At the same time as teenagers are struggling to find their identities and write their own stories, as Libby put it earlier, they also face a tremendous amount of pressure to conform.

“Better to be the hunter than the hunted. Even if you’re hunting yourself.”

This line, which originally appears in Jack’s letter in the Prologue, is restated by Libby as she explains why she wrote the cruel messages about herself on the restroom wall. The quotation vividly captures the often vicious, dog-eat-dog nature of high school socialization, in which students struggle to strike that balance between standing out and blending in.

“You don’t get to be the villain and the hero.”

Libby says this to Jack when he tries—unsuccessfully—to accept full blame for their rodeo incident in the cafeteria. The quotation reiterates Libby’s earlier question to herself, “What will my story be,” which once again equates adolescence to writing one’s own narrative. However, this quotation also critiques Jack’s inner dilemma in which he wavers between standing up for what is right and preserving his own identity.

“Only small people—the inside-small kind—don’t like you to be big.” 

This thought from Libby is important for a few reasons. First, Libby feels compelled to clarify the phrase “the inside-small kind.” Libby means to say that people can have an inner identity besides—or even in opposition to—their external, outward identity/appearance. Second, the quotation highlights the hypocrisy of judging, arguing that those who feel the need to highlight the imperfections of others are themselves self-conscious about their own imperfection.

“There is something wrong with me.”

Jack thinks this to himself during the novel’s flashback to three years in the past, when Jack begins to see more evidence of his prosopagnosia. The quotation, particularly the word “wrong,” underscores the novel’s exploration of imperfection and flaws. It is telling that Jack thinks of his face blindness—something that is beyond his control—as a flaw; though his attitude seems to change over time, at this point, he considers his condition something to be ashamed of and to hide.

“Identifiers. That’s what I call it. Everyone has at least one thing that stands out.” 

Jack explains this to Libby, who is increasingly curious about Jack’s prosopagnosia. The concept of identifiers becomes a central theme in the text, and the novel’s characters must determine for themselves what their identifiers are—and what they want them to be. This reiterates Libby’s earlier question to herself of what her story will be. The characters must also tackle the question of others’ perceptions, too. They must determine how they want others to see them, and then examine whether their actions help or hurt in this regard.

“More weight.”

One of Libby’s favorite quotations, this line comes from Giles Corey in Arthur Miller’s play The Crucible. Sentenced to death for witchcraft, Corey commands his executioners to pile on more stones as “a kind of FU,” as Libby puts it. The quotation aligns well with Libby’s attitude toward persecution: approach it with resolve and even a bit of humor. However, as Libby will later learn, sometimes the weight is just too much to bear.

“Give it a good brain. A complete, fully functioning, normal, regular brain.”

This quotation concludes Jack’s “How to Build a Robot” list and again reveals his self-consciousness about what he perceives to be a flaw in his identity. The robot is Jack’s way of acting out his frustration with his prosopagnosia; Jack is in total control of building the robot even as he feels out of control in his own body. He can make sure that all the gears interact correctly, that everything works as it is supposed to…even if he does not.

“The more symmetrical the face, the more average the person looks to me because there’s this sameness to them.”

Jack explains that he can better recognize people who have “something unique about them” (290), citing Libby as an example. He clarifies that beauty does not correlate with sameness; on the contrary, for Jack, beauty seems to be a matter of standing out among the crowd. This, of course, runs counter to society’s emphasis on conformity and normality. By making this appreciation part of Jack’s character, Niven shows readers that being “normal” or “average” is not necessarily a good thing.

“You’re different. You’re you. Always.” 

As Jack becomes increasingly infatuated with Libby, he tells her this on the drive back from Indiana University. He admires Libby for being so self-assured in her identity—unlike Jack, she does not try to fake her way into popularity or pretend to be someone she is not. Jack is beginning to learn from Libby that identity comes from within oneself rather than being created by what other people see on the outside.

“The hardest stage of any project is coming up with it. Once I know what I want the thing to be, it’s just a matter of collecting the pieces I need and putting them together in the right order.”

Again, Jack’s assembly of the robot for Dusty has symbolic meaning: the disjointed, fragmented pieces of the robot correspond to his own disjointed, fragmented mind as a result of his prosopagnosia. The difference is that Jack feels he has control over the robot—it is just a matter of patience and effort to put the pieces together into something coherent. The same cannot be said for his face blindness, and his lack of control over it vexes him.

“I want to say It’s okay to be a person. We’re all afraid. We all get hurt. It’s okay to hurt. You’d be so much more likable if you just acted human.”

Jack thinks this as Caroline continues to show more signs of being insecure about Jack’s growing relationship with Libby. The thought marks a shift in Jack’s character: he seems more willing to embrace imperfection as not just inevitable but even desirable, equating it to likability and humanity. He seems to be distancing himself from the insistence on flawlessness that Caroline represents, instead gravitating toward Libby’s appreciation for the imperfect.

“And then I think of something my mom used to say, about how as scary as it is to go after dreams, it’s even scarier not to.”

This advice from Libby’s mother continues to motivate her throughout the novel and forms the basis of her “just do it” outlook, an outlook which Jack finds more and more alluring as their friendship grows. In the pursuit of conformity, many teenagers feel discouraged to take risks for fear of showing vulnerability; however, Libby outright embraces that vulnerability, even if it reveals her imperfections. For Libby, the only true failure is not to try at all.

“You deserve to be seen, and I’ll never be able to see you, not really.”

Jack’s rationale for breaking up with Libby is that she would have to stay overweight for him to be able to recognize her—he still thinks that her weight is her identifier. Despite having spent quite a bit of time with her, he has not yet come to “see” Libby for her inner identity; he remains focused on her external identity.

“You need to put some clothes on.”

Jack tells this to Libby as she passes out her treatise in her purple bikini. It is a devastating thing for Jack to say, for a couple of reasons: first, it is a direct challenge to Libby’s just-do-it, self-assured approach to life; it is Jack’s attempt to restrain her free spirit. More importantly, though, it represents a back-step in Jack’s character development, showing just how far he still has to go in resisting the high school insistence on conformity and normality. Though he later justifies the line as intending to protect Libby, the damage is done: she takes it as a sign that he is still just another jock hell-bent on preserving his image at all costs.

“All this time, I thought she was a security blanket, but there’s no security here. How can there be when she doesn’t see me any more than I see her?”

Jack starts to see Caroline as the insecure, flawed, vulnerable person she really is. The quotation is also a critique of her shallowness: she has her own form of face blindness that prevents her from seeing people on the inside. She remains so focused on her peers’ outward identity that it quite literally blinds her from appreciating their true, inner identity.

“Too many hats.”

On the drive home from Kam’s party, Jack and Libby talk about Herschel Walker, a football player with dissociative identity disorder who compared his condition to wearing different hats for different situations. The symbolism here is that people assume different identities depending on the occasion, but a person can only have so many identities before they become overwhelmed. In seeking conformity and acceptance among their peers, teenagers feel compelled to wear an unmanageable variety of hats.

“We’re all weird and damaged in our own way.”

Kam texts this to Jack after doing some reading about prosopagnosia; even he seems to realize that imperfection is inevitable—and perhaps even desirable. Jack is stunned by Kam’s reversal, considering it evidence that Kam might “actually turn into one of the good guys” (503). Ironically, this is a lesson that Jack still needs to learn for himself.

“Don’t be afraid to leave the castle.”

This is the advice Libby leaves to whomever picks up her copy of We Have Always Lived in the Castle on the park bench. The quotation speaks one last time to the novel’s theme of stepping outside of one’s comfort zone, of coming out in Rachel’s case, of leaving the house in Libby’s case, of leaving the castle in Mary Katherine Blackwood’s case. The theme is a crucial one for Niven’s adolescent audience, an audience likely struggling with the tension between wanting to take risks and be different but also wanting to conform and seek their peers’ approval.