Gracefully Grayson

“I try to look at it like I’ve never seen it before just to confirm that nobody else would know that the sketch is really a princess. But I’m good. It’s too abstract.”

After sketching the abstract princess, Grayson demonstrates her hyperawareness of what other people might think. This foreshadows the potentially negative reactions to the revelation of Grayson’s identity.

“How would it feel to hide an enormous, important, life-threatening secret from your friends, your neighbors, and maybe even members of your own family?”

Although Finn’s question is about his lesson on the Holocaust, Grayson interprets it in a more personal way. When Finn calls on her to answer, she responds that her own strategy would be to isolate herself to avoid detection. This sets up some of the book’s main themes, as Grayson struggles to form relationships for fear of being rejected because of her female identity.

“I search the mirror for what I was able to see when I got dressed this morning—the long, shining, golden gown and the girl inside of it—but the image has completely vanished, just like I knew it would, because since sixth grade started, this has happened every single day. My imagination doesn’t work like it used to. The basketball pants and T-shirt left in the gorgeous gown’s place are pathetic.”

Here, Grayson’s wish to be perceived as a girl is made explicit. This passage introduces the way she often pretends that her boys’ clothes are actually beautiful gowns and dresses. It also creates a sense of dread; while Grayson could play this game easily as a child, she is now growing up and therefore approaching puberty, which makes it more and more difficult for her to align her appearance with her identity.

“The only noise I can hear is an annoying hum, and suddenly, it’s like I’m watching myself watch the class, as if I’m a bird perched on the high wooden bookshelves lining the classroom walls. I see myself below, biting my lip, clumsily untying the oversize gray sweatshirt from my waist. I watch myself look down and retie it, trying to stretch it so it hangs around my waist completely. I see myself study the small gap in front. The sweatshirt isn’t big enough to be a skirt. And, then, from my perch up above, I start to feel like someone’s watching me, like I’m a bird in a cage. I look over to Finn. He’s sitting on his desk, his head cocked to the side. He looks at the sweatshirt around my waist and back up to my eyes.

With a thump, I’m back on the ground.”

This quote uses similes, where something is compared to something else using “like” or “as.” Grayson compares herself to “a bird perched on the high wooden bookshelves.” She feels disembodied from herself and her physical form. This explores the gap between her Self-Identity Versus Perception. Grayson feels like a girl but is wearing traditional boys’ clothing. She also compares herself to “a bird in a cage.” This suggests that she feels trapped. This passage suggests that Finn can see her real identity: “He’s sitting on his desk, his head cocked to the side. He looks at the sweatshirt around my waist and back up to my eyes.”

“I feel like I’ve been hit from behind by a wave of lava, and even though I’m still freezing, I’m suddenly sweating. I’m an idiot for not knowing the question was coming, for not rehearsing. I know I can’t avoid answering. This is what having friends means, I tell myself.”

This quote reveals Grayson’s anxiety about socializing and therefore potentially letting someone learn her true identity—which she fears may lead to ridicule or rejection. However, she responds to Amelia’s attempt at friendship, which shows that she is willing to make an effort. This foreshadows her upcoming struggles with friend and family relationships.

“Uncle Evan has shown me pictures of Dad when he was my age, and I know I look like him. The thought makes me want to smash the mirror. I shove my fists into my pockets because what I really want is for Dad to be here, and I wonder for the millionth time if I’d still have to be this lonely if Mom and Dad were alive. In old black-and-white pictures, Grandma Alice looks just like Mom did. I search my face in the mirror for any hint of her or Mom in me, but I can only see Dad.”

Grayson relates to her female relatives, but her appearance is closer to her dad’s than her mom’s or grandma’s. Again, there is a gap between her Self-Identity Versus Perception. Grayson makes it clear that although she resents looking like a boy, she does not resent her dad and wishes for her father’s support.

“I feel like I’m disappearing. […]. I feel like a ghost. […]. ‘Thanks,’ I say to Finn, and I smile at him and at the thought of not disappearing again.”

Throughout Chapter 10, Grayson repeatedly emphasizes her feeling of “disappearing” as she feels more and more lost and unable to express her identity. This recurring theme builds up to her decision to try out for the role of Persephone, and hints at her desire to be seen as a girl. Her new goal of playing Persephone helps her regain a sense of self at the end of the chapter, when she feels like “not disappearing again.”

At home, my track pants and basketball pants hang in my closet, silky and shiny in a row of bright yellow, black, gray, silver, and gold, but they’re only pants to me now. My too-long T-shirts don’t look like dresses. Without them, I’m nobody, and the idea takes shape in my mind. It takes shape and floats into my mouth, and it waits there.”

Right before she impulsively decides to read for Persephone, Grayson thinks about the game she often plays in the mirror. There is a stark contrast between her past ability to pretend she is dressed like a girl and her desire to be perceived as one.

The text uses repetition for emphasis and to create rhythm (bold emphasis added): “Without them, I’m nobody, and the idea takes shape in my mind. It takes shape and floats into my mouth, and it waits there.” Here, the idea that she is “nobody” becomes a tactile thing, an entity personified with human qualities—it has a physical “shape,” and the ability to “float” and “wait” and occupy physical space in her mouth.

“I wonder what Finn and Ms. Landen saw at tryouts. I felt like I was Persephone. Did they see me standing there in front of them? Or did they see her?”

Grayson wonders how she was perceived during her audition. When she asks whether Finn and Ms. Landen saw “me” or “her,” she is likely referring to herself and Persephone, respectively. However, she may also be referencing her own appearance as a boy versus her real identity as a girl.

“We ride in silence, and I think about how loud the quiet is; I think about what it means.”

This quote reveals Grayson’s confusion and anxiety about Amelia’s reaction to her wearing a skirt. The idea of loud silence implies that an absence of communication has weight and meaning as much as an explicit statement does. This sentiment is echoed later in the book with Sally’s unwillingness to address Grayson’s identity, and Finn’s refusal to talk to Grayson after Sally’s outburst.

“What you said the other day is true: Grayson is who he is. If he continues to insist that he’s a girl, then it’s our job to support him. All I want is for him to be true to himself.”

Grayson reading her mother’s letter is a key moment in the narrative. The letter reveals that Grayson’s parents were aware of her gender identity and supported her unconditionally; the young girl now receives the validation she craved. The passage also provides background about Grayson’s past. Later, this prompts her to reflect in a way that indirectly breaks the fourth wall: “I feel like I’ve just read the prequel to my life story” (99).

“But, eventually, I can tell that morning is coming. Someone has put the covers back over me, and the room is brightening. When I finally open my eyes, the first thing I look at is the phoenix flying in the painting over my bed.”

The Phoenix Painting introduced in Chapter 1 indicates a turning point in Grayson’s character development. At first, the painting symbolizes Grayson’s mother’s love. Now, it takes on an almost mystical dimension. In mythology, phoenixes are magical creatures who can be reborn from their ashes. After reading the letters that validated her identity, Grayson falls ill and dreams about her mother; this can be read as a symbolic death. Her rebirth is illustrated by her return to reality and immediately seeing the phoenix above her. From then on, Grayson grows more and more secure in her identity.

“And even though all I can remember about Mom’s and Dad’s faces is how they look in pictures, it’s like they’re standing next to me now. Their hands are on my back, and I can’t turn my thoughts away from a vision of myself on stage, in the spotlight, in a beautiful, flowing gown.”

Earlier in the story, Grayson relates to her parents by looking for traces of them in her own reflection. Her anxiety is also depicted when she is looking in a mirror and feels like someone is watching her despite being alone. In this quote, Grayson finally feels distinct from her parents, whose support and love make her feel like they are “standing next to [her] now” rather than hidden in her appearance. Feeling watched by them while she looks in the mirror assuages her anxiety rather than exacerbating it.

“I copy it down in my notebook and sketch a princess as I listen to him talk. I study her for a minute, and then add a king on one side of her and a queen on the other.”

Echoing Quote #1, this passage reveals Grayson’s identification with the princess doodle. Rather than drawing her alone or hidden in a large landscape as she used to, Grayson now adds a representation of her parents, the king and queen standing at her side. This shows that her parents’ validation has eased her feelings of isolation and alienation.

“What do you already know?

I am a girl.”

Like Chapter 1, when Finn asked a question about the Holocaust that prompted Grayson to reflect on her own experience, Finn’s question about Persephone’s character development leads her to a personal answer. Significantly, this is the first time in the book when Grayson explicitly acknowledges her gender identity, representing a turning point in her character development.

“I think of the girls’ voices and grins as I let them braid my hair, and the feeling washes over me again—that I did something wrong and got away with it. I let them treat me like I was a stupid doll or something. Anyway, what real girl wears a million crooked braids all over her head, sticking out all over the place? Real girls wear regular shirts, pants, skirts, jackets, and shoes, not crazy, exaggerated porcupine braids that make them look like an idiot. This was all just a big joke to everyone.”

This passage explores the theme of Self-Identity Versus Perception. Grayson feels self-conscious about her performance of femininity, which she feels is “wrong” and “a big joke to everyone.” She contrasts it with the appearance of “real girls” who, like her classmates, do not need to overcompensate to have their identities validated. Grayson feels anxiety about needing to exaggerate her femininity to be accepted as a girl.

“I glance at the racks of boys’ clothes, and I remember all the time I spent sifting through them, looking for things that I could easily pretend into dresses and long, flowing shirts, and, for a tiny second, I miss doing that.

It seems so safe. But, on the other side of the room are the racks of girls’ clothes, and I go to them.”

Grayson’s character development is exemplified by this quote. While she has tried to remain inconspicuous in the past, she now chooses self-validation over safety. Her choices in the thrift store illustrate her journey. Initially, she started by picking boys’ clothes, then tried on a skirt which caused Amelia to react negatively. Now, she openly buys girls’ clothing to wear at school.

“‘Something I’ve learned over the years is that often, as the production date approaches, the rehearsals become more and more difficult. I’m not exactly sure why,’ she continues, ‘but I have a theory that sometimes, everything needs to fall apart before it can come back together the way it’s supposed to.’”

Ms. Landen’s motivational speech during rehearsal symbolically parallels Grayson’s journey and the narrative structure. Grayson’s life “fall[s] apart” as she deals with the fallout of her playing Persephone. Her getting bullied by Jack and his friends is a climactic moment before the story’s resolution, where she fully embraces her identity.

“What did I expect? I expected Mr. Finnegan to give Grayson a different role. Or he easily could have just agreed to switch Persephone into a male character—directors do that all the time. At the very least, he could have agreed that Grayson’s costume shouldn’t be a gown, for heaven’s sake. All I expected was for everyone to do the right thing—to keep Grayson safe.”

This quote reveals Sally’s reasoning for confronting Finn about casting Grayson as Persephone. Although her arguments stem from her desire to protect her niece, her actions cause more harm than good. Sally equates Grayson’s safety with remaining hidden, even to the detriment of her niece’s health and well-being. In short, Sally’s fear prevents her from providing the true, unconditional support that Grayson needs.

In a broader sense, Sally represents well-intentioned people who are not willing to take risks or challenge the status quo to support LGBTQ+ individuals. In contrast, Evan represents allyship. Each illustrate different reactions to family members coming out as transgender.

“He walks over to us, his eyes fixed on my shirt, and stands in front of me for a minute until, for the first time in weeks, he looks at my face. He looks happy. I realize I’ve been holding my breath, and, carefully, slowly, I start to breathe again.”

This moment between Finn, who has been avoiding Grayson, and Grayson, who is wearing a girl’s shirt openly for the first time, marks a turning point in their relationship. The narrative suggests that Finn understands, or at least suspects, Grayson’s identity and wants to offer his support. The fact that Grayson “[starts] to breathe again” implies that she was afraid Finn was rejecting her but is relieved that she now has his approval.

“Ms. Landen helps me step into my golden gown for Act One. And even though Finn is leaving because of it, and even though Aunt Sally thinks I’m a monster, when I look at myself in the giant, floor-to-ceiling mirrors, I finally see myself the way I’m supposed to be—my inside self matched up with my outside self. And now, everyone else will finally see it, too.”

The recurring symbolism of Grayson’s Reflection reaches a climactic point in this passage. Whereas Grayson was only pretending that her shiny clothes were dresses before, she is now wearing a real gown. Grayson feels like her self-identity and appearance are aligned for the first time, which is a significant moment in her character arc.

“It’s like I’ve been waiting my entire life for this day. The brushstrokes surround me—the bright crystal and the darkness. Tonight I will be a girl in front of an audience. I’m supposed to be a girl, and tonight I will be. And Finn will leave Porter because of it. White and black. Light and dark. And me, in the middle of it all. Gray.”

This passage explores the motif of Light and Darkness. Grayson is experiencing the brightness of being her true, female self, and of being recognized as such. She is also experiencing the darkness of Finn’s leaving. The passage depicts Grayson’s ambivalent state of mind, and her dual excitement and apprehension about the play. Grayson’s emotional growth is also exemplified by her acceptance that life is both light and dark or “gray,” a term that echoes her own name and reinforces the idea that she stands “in the middle of it all.”

“Act III, Scene III:

Good guys are supposed to win

But she only wins halfway

She’ll live six months in light

Six months in darkness.”

Chapter 34 draws a parallel between Persephone and Grayson’s stories. Like Grayson, Persephone lives in both light and darkness. This quote echoes Grayson’s earlier comment about life being “gray” rather than all black or white, with Persephone living “six months in light / six months in darkness.”

The audience watches the play unfold. The narration is unclear as to whether they are looking at a fictional character or the young protagonist. The “she” who “only wins halfway” is ambiguous, as it can be both Grayson and Persephone.