52 pages • 1 hour read
Before We Were Yours
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Themes
The Effects of Memory on Relationships
Memory is a potent force in the book. The loss of memory is a fixation at the beginning, especially for Avery who mourns Grandma Judy’s failing memory and worries that without her memories, their relationship will deteriorate. Instead, what she finds is that Grandma Judy’s memory loosens its grip and she is constantly adrift between past and present, between concealed memories and the past she lived in the open as part of her public persona. Grandma Judy shares some memories with Avery, those she can recall or those she lets slip when dementia takes over and she forgets who she is speaking with. Other memories, especially about her sisters and her birth parents, Avery has to collect for her grandmother and offer to her as a way to keep her moored to reality and to her family in present day.
Memory is vital to May too—the memory of her life as Rill and of each of her siblings, including those she never saw again. In her old age and in the nursing home, she is surrounded by photos that connect her to the long-ago life of Rill on the Arcadia. The dragonfly bracelets too are talismans of memory. In her moments of most acute pain in the Tennessee Children’s Society Home, Rill relies on the power of memory to keep her going, such as the memory of her father’s songs or her mother’s prayers in Polish. She keeps her memories alive and memory keeps her alive.
Identity and the Search for the Self
A search for identity permeates the book. In a way it is Avery who knows herself the least, which is ironic given that she has the most defined sense of family identity. Her family’s conspicuous role in the community forces her to assume an identity and to always look and act the part of the Senator’s daughter and high-profile attorney. The Stafford name compels her to be a certain kind of person, one who is refined and reflects traditional Southern etiquette. It dictates where she should be and even who she should love.
For the other female characters, identity is much more fluid. Grandma Judy has lived in a life with a certain outward image that corresponds to her social class and station. But at the same time, she maintains the identity she never got to fully grow into, that of the river gypsy daughter who spends her time out on the water with her siblings. Being in the sisters’ little hideaway cottage allows her to develop that identity. May and Rill both exist as realized identities in the book even though they are two halves of one person. A sticking point in the novel then is how one determines their identity, whether it is self-determined or is determined by others (as in Miss Tann renaming the children or Avery’s family placing considerable pressure on her). Identity lost can be reclaimed in the book, as seen in Avery pursuing a relationship with Trent and the anecdote of Arney who literally is unbound from the identity constraints put on her by her father and becomes her true self.
The Strength of Familial Bonds
Family is essential in the book, more so once the Foss children are stolen from their parents. The bonds between the siblings becomes the new paramount familial bond, and the bond stays essential till the end of the book when May and Grandma Judy sit side by side reminiscing about the old days. Family bonds are also extended to others who are brought into the family. This is the case with some of the children in the home that Rill begins keeping an eye out for, especially the younger ones like Stevie. Arney becomes like family and Rill offers to be “her people” if Arney joins them. After Briny’s death, Rill realizes that family isn’t based on blood or class status, that it is also defined by love, even love between virtual strangers or people of different social stations. When the Seviers welcome Fern and Rill back after they run away, Rill understands that the Seviers are family to her after all.
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